Motherhood & Sunshine

Motherhood is a special thing. I am so happy I am a mom and so excited to have baby two. I may not be finically stable, homeless at the moment, taking huge risks, and a little crazy but it doesn't matter. I am a mom and am being blessed with two beautiful kids. I may not have the gift to have anymore but I am being given this blessing. With this I am grateful.

There are so many nights I want to crawl in my sons crib and cuddle him all night. There are days I cry because I don't want him to grow one more day older. There are also days I don't know how I made it through and wish I could have some alone time. There are days I don't get a shower, I forget to eat, I stay in my PJ's with no make-up on and yet I wouldn't change it for the world. I love being a mom and right now being a mom in the circumstance I am in gets me out of bed everyday. It keeps me happy, positive, and motivated to be more optimistic.

I am a little embarrassed of my life. We left Hawaii not because we wanted too but because we were broke. We are waiting to get into grad school and were jobless. My husband is taking a huge risk which I am so proud of. He is trying sales out for the summer. Am I scared YES but do I doubt him NO. Him just trying his best is all that matters. We have nothing to loose. We have no job and we only have things to gain. If its not money and to be finically stable then we gained the knowledge that in the back of Westin's mind he will know he tried something hard, something out of his comfort zone, something that he always wondered if it was right for him. If we gain we get to buy a home and be able to give what we want to our kids a little more. We are just lucky to have a place to go if this doesn't work out and that Wes has a few job opportunities for work when we return.

Yes when life gives you lemons make lemonade. This is what I am trying to do. Being a mom really gives me that drive to be better. Without this gift and a handsome, patient, loving husband I think I could let myself get depressed and think poor me. Yet, even I think well thousands of people have it worse then me and then revert back to my life is beautiful. If I am not happy now with so much even though I only have my needs met...then I'll never be happy. SO yet again I choose to be happy and see the positive.

Today I am just happy I am a mom. A gift others struggle with while we struggle with something else. Suffering is universal and everyone has a trial or trials along the way. Somehow everything works out. I am just glad I am not on this journey alone. I have a beautiful family who keeps the sunshine flowing in.

The End.

Enjoy the journey

To often we want time to pass and don't stop to enjoy the present. Or often we are looking to the future when we will have more money, be married, have kids, have a home, or whatever we dream about and don't have right now. So many of us take for granted the moment and never sit still enough to capture that memory so deep that we will never forget it.

I have to many moments I want to stop time for a little longer, a few weeks, days, or months. I hate having my little man grow up so fast. I sometimes hate growing older due to the fact time is ticking away and sooner or later I will be kid-less, old & gray. I want more time to enjoy the moments I get with friends, family and my darling husband.

Eastin is in such a fun stage right now. He throws intense fits and wants so badly to tell me what he wants but can't. He is so stubborn with walking. He will walk for friends and my parents but not for me and I love that about him. He wants things right now and will scream to get my attention. He wants to move all over the house and never stop. He loves exploring the body such as the belly button, eyes lashes, ears holes, nostrils, mouths and teeth. He loves stairs, cords, forbidden rooms, new places, new faces, and music. He loves to dance, roll around, and crawl through things. He loves playing under blankets as if they are magical. He loves to cuddle, massage me, play with my hair and touch my eye lashes. He is giving people high fives, waving, clapping his hands, and pointing at things.  He is notices who people are… today he pointed at a picture of Westin and said "da da." He loves to turn the pages in books. He wants to touch computers, phones, anything electronic. He loves to smile with his face all scrunched up. He thinks its funny to throw his food and spit. All these moments I couldn't enjoy and observe if I didn't try to stay in the present.

I love every minute I've had with my husband. I remember the first time I met him. I was crazy about him. It was definitely love at first site. First night I met him he got my number & called me the next day to take me out. We've been inseparable ever sense. I remember our first kiss, the day I said I love you, hockey games, our engagement, wedding day, honeymoon, the day I told him we were going to be parents, trips together, adventure, nights we talked for hours, anniversaries, the night before we had our son, the day Eastin was born, bringing him home for the first time, days apart and much more.

I have enjoyed a lot of my life in my 20's. I may have wanted to grow up to fast in my teens which I still regret…I had tons of fun and have great memories but I took a lot of those years for granted. My childhood was a dream come true. Now my 20's are the best, mainly because I learned to cherish the moment and enjoy the journey. I overcame an addiction I didn't realize I had. I made amazing friends I will have for life. I enjoyed the dating, getting married and having a child or children. So much has happened over the past 7 years that I love and have no regrets for. Talking to friends I hear I want to get married or I wish I had kids, or I wish this or that but WHY WISH for so much and not appreciate what you do have at this time period. No amount of money is going to change your happiness if you are not happy now. No guy will make you happy if you are not happy now. Kids take up all your time and are exhausting but worth it. I cherish every moment I had before kids and laugh at how much I wish I could have a day to myself and have a hard time getting 10 minutes to myself to get ready or take a shower on some days.

Life is amazing and we all need to enjoy the journey more. I love talking to friend who are going through pregnancy and are shocked at how hard it actually is. New mom's who realize they get sad sometimes because they don't get enough adult interaction and feel depressed when there husbands come home and don't want to talk due to exhausting or a bad days. Life is full of ups and downs and its beautiful.

TODAY and Everyday I am just enjoying this journey. LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL… but catch me on a good day and good moment bc any second I could change my mind but the next day I will be back to thinking how lucky I am again.

XOXO

I am cherished and loved

I am so lucky

Is there anyone out there like myself who is there own worse critic at times. Whose total happiness reverts completely back to them. Our words are exactly what guide our days and our emotions. I don't know if everyone feels they are in control of there happiness but I am. My words control how I feel from moment to moment.

I have a huge problem with disappointment and not living up to expectations of myself. I want to be a great mom, not perfect but amazing and I really want to be an outstanding wife. I put a lot of pressure on myself at times, (like I am sure millions of people do each day,) but at times this can be toxic on my relationships. Especially when your pregnant and your hormones get the best of you sometimes. There are seriously times when I will be eating breakfast and I feel about 4 emotions in about 15 minutes. I don't react to them most of the time, but they are strong and I just have to breath through them. I can cry in a second, be angry in another and exhausted the next, and happy in another minute. With this my words can effect how these emotions can be take.

This day I lived in a beautiful moment. 

This week I've been incredibly lonely and with this I've decided to tell myself I am unlovable, un-worthy, and worthless. RIGHT lonely feelings lead to toxic results sometimes which is completely false and irrational thinking. These words have left me crying yes crying on the phone to my husband until 1:30 AM, telling him he deserves so much better then me. Going into every mistake I've made, spilling all my regrets for getting upset at him or saying this to him when I should kept my mouth shut etc. Like I am supposed to be perfect right. NO ONE EVER SAID YOU HAVE TO BE PERFECT and that YOU WON'T get annoyed, upset or angry at your husband.

This leads to him trying to do reverse physiology on me...telling me everyone says things they don't mean, everyone has to learn to bite there tongue, people get in disagreements sometimes, you do deserve me, I love you etc. SO CRAZY right. It's so childish and yet LONELY lead to complete irrational thoughts and words that lead to unnecessary unhappiness. I know some of you are laughing because I know you've done the same thing right? SO WHY!

NEVER AGAIN…SO dumb and unnecessary drama for my poor husband and myself.

My affirmations to myself this week is this:

I am worthy of love, I am adored and admired by my husband, he works so hard and sacrifices so much for our family because he loves us so much, I am admired by friends and family, I am cherished for my work as a mom by those around me, I am admired for who I am and what I do each day, life is simple but beautiful, and I am grateful for each and everyday. I AM HAPPY and today I choose to be happy and not let these hormones get the best of me.

RIGHT feels so much better then negative words and really in all honestly its the truth.

WHY DO WE TELL OURSELVES LIES?

I honestly have been really good at affirmations. I have learned to completely love and adore myself especially after an eating disorder. I don't ever tell myself I am fat ever…well maybe 3 times a year which is way good. I really do love who I am most of the time. I know words are toxic and it was the biggest life changer for me when it came to healing and overcoming an addiction. I use to have bad habits and huge problems but I changed this so why did I get here again.

This all comes back to habits are something we have to pay attention to even when we overcome them. They can come back and bit us in the butt again when we least expect them do. I have to work on positive affirmations again for a while to get me back on track.

Life is beautiful even when your pregnant and at times crazy. Crazy thought process of mine again but I had to get it out on paper.


I am loved and adored my him




When you think your husband doesn't love you… I would say 98% of the time you are completely making it up and causing unnecessary problems. HARD LESSON learned. No more drama from this girl and grief no one needs.

TRUE STORY…the end.

LIFE REALLY IS SIMPLE

LIFE IS TO BE ADMIRED

 CHERISHED 
ADORED

LIFE IS NEVER TO HAVE REGRETS

TO LIVE IN THE MOMENT

BREATH THROUGH BOTH UPS & DOWNS

TO LEARN FORM MISTAKES

MOVE ON

CHANGE

CREATE AND UPLIFT
TO BE YOU

LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL

A summer I will never forget

We are heading to Massachusetts soon and I am getting pretty excited. Westin is driving right now and I will be flying out there shortly. Traveling with little Eastin in that 30 hr.+ treck wasn't going to happen along with being pregnant too. I can't wait to show Westin  all my old memories of where I went to school, the houses I lived in and all my favorite things about this great state. It's a place where I grew the most and am so grateful my family moved there when I was 12 years old. How exciting it is to go back after 7 years. This place has always been home for me in a lot of ways and a place I take great pride in. I had lot of ups and downs here but learned what I am capable of. I am excited to see old friends that still live in the area and to reconnect and re-live so many memories. I shed lots of teenage tears here but a lot of great laughs.

Here are few things that are my absolute favorites:

I love the minute man bike path from Somerville  to Concord. I biked this several times a summer until I can remember. We would always stop in Lexington and get ice cream and go to a cheese factory in Concord where I would try 30 year old cheese that tasted so delicious.

I love taking the subway to any of Boston's finest areas. Finway park, Newbery street, south station, the north end, hatch shell, and much more. There are so many places I love in Boston especially Boston Commons and other parks. I can walk around this cities for hours and hours and never get board.

The Hatch Shell and all it's free concerts, movies in the park, and firework show on the 4th of July. This place is magical and I am so glad I went whenever I got a chance. Just to have another 4th of July here is already a dream come true.

Harvard Square not only did I enjoy working several jobs in this location but my father worked in this area and the great Harvard campus is so fun to walk around in.

The Science Museum, Museum of Fine Arts, Aquarium, Children's Museum and much more. It's a great city to have kids raised in because there is so much enjoyment, education, and history here.

I really enjoy some (not all) of the freedom trail (it is long but awesome) and the old churches and buildings that made up parts of our American History.

Cape Cod: I have so many fun memories of any and every beach I've been to. I love all the old towns and antique shops, the delicious sea food, and dear friends I spent so much time with.

Salem, MA with its witch trials, decor, and history. It's a good kind of spooky and such a lovely town.

Plymouth, MA... where the heritage of the pilgrims is told and relived.

Fenway Park one of the oldest baseball parks and where the famous Red Sox play of course. I enjoyed countless games here even if I had to stand due to the fact I got in for $7 because my father's deals.

Drive to Providence, RI a great city with its fire walk, great shopping mall, and a beautiful city only an hour away.

Newport, RI with its giant mansions, beautiful beaches and board walk. I had many friends here and lots of fun memories one which include my brother getting poison ivy.

Belmont LDS Temple, a place of refuge for me, a place I went so many teenage nights when I was discouraged and felt alone



Belmont square: a place I worked, enjoyed walking around and eating or shopping at all the cute stores. I love how each town has a square full of restaurants, dining, and shopping.

Franklin MA, a place I attended high school and middle school for a time. I made so many good friends, memories, and had amazing and hard experience here.

Wachusetts ski resort. I really learned how to snowboard on this little mountain and have so many fun memories of my little brother and his friends

Walden Pond a place I went summer after summer on so many hot days and enjoyed swimming and a spot on the opposite side of the pond more secluded a place were my friends and I did some crazy fun things.

Gloucester had a beautiful beach I went to a lot with close friends. Lots of BBQ's, good music, and great company.

This only names a few of the millions of things I enjoy about this gorgeous place. BOSTON STRONG always and forever.

A perfect 1st year

I have not written in forever. I moved back from Hawaii (March) and have been getting settled to move again here in a few weeks to Massachusetts (May) for the summer. We are excited to leave on our new adventure but exhausted at the same time mainly because I am pregnant again and have been pretty sick. I've been more focused on the here and now rather then adding extra things into my day. Being a mom and making sure I am happy and helping Eastin and Westin with all the energy I have is what I had to focus on during the first trimester.  (baby due Oct. 29th)

Just wanted to write a blog about how beautiful this first year with Eastin has been. I wouldn't change becoming a mom for anything. He always gets me up no matter how sick I am. I am never mad or upset during the middle of the night when he wants to cuddle. Yes most of the time he sleeps through the night but I enjoy all the precious moments I get to hold him while I can. Being pregnant again and him growing so fast, time can't sit still enough. I love rocking him to sleep even though my husband says I spoil him to much. He is a mommies boy to a T. It's been nothing but pure joy to have him in our lives. He love both of us so much. He motivates me to be the best person I can be. I am constantly working on being more patient, kind, loving, soft spoken, and happy. He gives me the extra drive I need just like Westin did the day I said I do. I love creating a life that is beautiful with my family. 

I had an opportunity to throw my love bug and Buggy Bash last Saturday for his 1 year Birthday. It was a lot of work but thanks to Auntie Makenna, Wes and my mom it was a success. It was fun putting together all the bug food and decorations but also a lot of work. I did this because I didn't celebrate his life with friend and family here in Utah and wanted to celebrate him being such a huge part of our lives. Everyone who came and want wanted to come, also made it a huge success. Thank you for celebrating Eastin's birthday with us ;).

 I hope always knows how much we love and adore him. I want to give him the world. He is everything to me and I am so lucky I've been able to have the kids I am having. Pregnancy isn't easy for me. I have high risk pregnancies and the doctor's say this may be my last pregnancy. Many can't have kids and struggle to get pregnant. I am very lucky to be able to be on #2 even it will be my last possibly. (We will see). Life is beautiful and moves its way through ups and downs…high and lows…good news and bad news but there is always good in all the bad. I love my life and wouldn't want a better husband or child right now. I am so incredibly blessed. 

Anyways Happy Birthday Eastin. This is a start to many more years of joy and happiness. I only promise to try my best to be the mommy you need me to be. Your dad is already incredible and I have to live up to this everyday and it's motivating. Thanks for coming into our family and giving me a new reason to wake up everyday and live. To love, laugh, enjoy the moment, and want time to stand still. 

LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL and even more sense the day I got to call you mine. I love you to the moon and back Eastin! 

Special moments: The day I held you in my arms all drugged up and came up with the crazy idea to sing to you in front of all the doctors "I am a Child of God." (drugs do funny things to me)

The first time you grabbed my finger. Your first bath, smile, laugh, and cuddling with you for hours and hours everyday. I loved all our beach adventure, hikes, walks, and exploring days in Hawaii. I loved getting all your things together before you were born. I loved growing and learning how to be a mom during each new step and change in your life. I love the day you held your head up, rolled over, crawled, stood up, and soon to walk. You are so stubborn and I love it. You've been standing up and walking sense 7 months but won't actually walk without holding on to things. Everyone has been telling me for months you will walk soon but still at 12 months you'll stand up with no hands and take a step but that's about it. I love how you teach me things are on your time and you'll let me know WHEN YOU ARE READY. I love the clapping, high fives, hide and seek, peek a boo, chasing each other, and finding adventures all around wherever we go. I love learning and growing with you everyday. I love going to the park and learning new thing you love. You are the greatest joy and yes last but not least, I've said it a million time I ADORE YOU.

XOXO

Such a great year and many more to come! 

To my Love (Valentine)

Since it's Valentines... wanted to write a little something for my best friend and someone who plays a key role in my happiness.

From the moment you walked into my life everything changed. I don't think it was a coincidence that you were the one for me. I sometimes laugh because God knows me better then I know myself. There is no one that balances me better, humbles me more, treated me like gold, spoils me…like you. I am lucky to live a life with someone who is adventurous, willing to let me live my dreams, sacrifices everything even your own life for our family, who makes me laugh maybe at you but all the time, who always keeps me on my feet, who truly can be the kid inside, and who has the kindest heart.

You truly are one of the most positive people I've ever met and forever made my life closer to my end result, having the life I love. YOU have given me a huge leap into this joy and creating this life I love. You constantly encourage me to not just be a mom but be everything I've ever wanted to be. I've so far loved everyday we've been together. I know we've had our ups and downs but I wouldn't take any challenge, heart ache, trail, and hardship for anything. I feel that I've grown more in love with you, gained more respect, and have seen how well we actually fit. I don't know who else would put up with me really JK!

I am so happy that I get to spend eternity with you. That we were sealed and can live together forever and that we center our life and family on the Savior. This gives us a bullet proof marriage. We are fighters for each other and it truly has made our marriage amazing. We know there is no way out (well no reason that we should get out, (this is only my marriage of course if my husband abused me I would get out) so we've learned to be more selfless especially after Eastin came. There is so much beauty in this life and each life change you encounter. Each year we get stronger and each year I grow a thousand years wiser. Thank you for being my husband, my friend, a father, and outstanding worker. You are incredible and do amazing things each and everyday.

You are the most handsome man inside and out. Even when we grow old I know you will always take my breath away. I am so lucky to be married to the best man for me. I hope I make you feel like being the best version of yourself. There isn't a day that goes by that I laugh at the fact that there is no one more perfect for me. I know we will always work out our differences because we are fighters. WE WANT a good Marriage and so we FIGHT FOR IT. We want to be happy so we focus in. COMMUNICATION IS Key and is something that has been a challenge at times but we've pulled through it. I will never give up on you and I know you will never give up on me.

HAPPY Valentines Day Wes. I LOVE YOU TO the MOON and BACK.

Glad I get to spend the day not only with this handsome, dreamy hunk of a man but my little East Bug. You gave me the greatest gift a man could give…the birth of our son. Happy Valentines day to Eastin too! My everyday sunshine.

Gain SPIRITUAL POWER: Give Something of Yourself and Receive Something From Another

I am going to focus on one aspect of spiritual well being. THE POWER OF SERVICE both GIVING and RECEIVING.

(These are my thoughts on service and my intentions are not to hurt anyone else. This is something that helps me get in tune more spiritually within myself and something to maybe motivate others to do things outside themselves)

Let people serve you, bottom line. If they offer, take them up on it. Some people want to serve and get disappointed when people don't let them. Service brings blessings so don't let others loose an opportunity to share some kindness, to have a way to help them look beyond themselves, and to be able to help you in ways you actually later wish you said yes.

Don't be afraid to ask for help even if no one offers. It doesn't mean others don't care about you it's the fact people are busy. Sometimes taking people away from themselves is exactly what they need. It helps humble them, get them away from their comfort zone, and look outside themselves.

Give people the opportunity to serve. See it this way, be this way, live this way. Don't always think you are putting someone out when you take 5-10 minutes of there time. If they offered then definitely don't feel bad. When people are depressed, suffering from addictions, focused on all there world problems... service helps many feel better about themselves, feel more accomplished and lifts their spirits.

On the flip side

When you are feeling the blues, go serve someone. When you are down and feeling self observed that is the best time to do something for someone else. Seeing others problems sometimes takes you away from your own problems and actually helps you feel better. TRY IT, IT really does work.

When someone asks you for help, if you have time, help them. I believe in Karma people will pay it forward to you. Be the person you want to be remembered by. You don't want to be known as someone who is self centered, always says no, and that person who is not willing to go out of there way for anybody.

Don't offer when you don't want to. You are only hurting yourself. Service teaches selflessness and at this moment there isn't any humility to learn.

Say no, if you really don't want to. You are yet again hurting yourself and the other person you serve. There are times I didn't want to and I ended up changing my attitude and being a lot happier I did but there are times I did it and ended up hurting myself and maybe the other person. I wasn't in good spirits and it most likely hurt the other person especially if they are the type of person who never asks for help.

If you are someone who never wants to and always says no: Well I think you have a new years resolution. CHAGE YOUR ATTITUDE and look OUSTIDE YOURSELF.

When you are focused on all the things going wrong in your life…"when it rains it poors" attitude… HELP SOMEONE. 

If you are looking for happiness 
If you are searching for answers to something 
If you are looking for a new friend
If you are looking to be humbled 
If you want to be a better version of yourselve
If you want better results in your life
If you want to be more confident
If you want to feel the right gratification
If you want to be awesome

SERVE SERVE SERVE

&

Let others serve you

SERVICE is one key to get spiritually balanced.

There are times after my son was born and I experienced some after pregnancy blues, that I wish I would have said yes when people offered help. It would have only offered better peace of mind, less fighting, and decreased stress and anxiety on my whole family. We got through it but I learned that others need this as much as I needed it.

There have also been times in my life where I allowed people to serve me and lost a friend. That is there loss. If you are not normally a needy person and don't ask for things constantly then forget them. They were serving with the wrong intention and in the end they lost a great person. It's no reflection on you.

WARNING: 

Now don't go asking for help 24/7 and be that NAG. That's being the person people run away from.

Serve others as much as you receive it. 

THERE IS BALANCE IN ALL THINGS. 

I would say in my own percentage 80% of service turns out to be wonderful. If you are the type of person who see's the 20% rather then the 80% I think you need to do some spiritual growing within yourself and change your attitude.

Service is about being selfless...so change your attitude and see it as a learning experience and a great opportunity.

My challenge for my reader: 

TODAY 

HELP someone each day. 

Be there for others. 

Let others help you. 

I am so grateful to be a part of a church that has given me so many opportunities to serve, which has given me the greatest examples of service,  given me this beautiful life skill and that is full of the most selfless group of people.  Our prophet Thomas S. Monson is the such a great example of service. He says,

          “To find real happiness, we must seek for it in a focus outside ourselves, No one has learned the meaning of living until he has surrendered his ego to the service of his fellow man. Service to others is akin to duty, the fulfillment of which brings true joy.”

I truly believe that service leads to true joy. So yes I encourage you to try a little harder to serve someone each day.