Motherhood & Sunshine

Motherhood is a special thing. I am so happy I am a mom and so excited to have baby two. I may not be finically stable, homeless at the moment, taking huge risks, and a little crazy but it doesn't matter. I am a mom and am being blessed with two beautiful kids. I may not have the gift to have anymore but I am being given this blessing. With this I am grateful.

There are so many nights I want to crawl in my sons crib and cuddle him all night. There are days I cry because I don't want him to grow one more day older. There are also days I don't know how I made it through and wish I could have some alone time. There are days I don't get a shower, I forget to eat, I stay in my PJ's with no make-up on and yet I wouldn't change it for the world. I love being a mom and right now being a mom in the circumstance I am in gets me out of bed everyday. It keeps me happy, positive, and motivated to be more optimistic.

I am a little embarrassed of my life. We left Hawaii not because we wanted too but because we were broke. We are waiting to get into grad school and were jobless. My husband is taking a huge risk which I am so proud of. He is trying sales out for the summer. Am I scared YES but do I doubt him NO. Him just trying his best is all that matters. We have nothing to loose. We have no job and we only have things to gain. If its not money and to be finically stable then we gained the knowledge that in the back of Westin's mind he will know he tried something hard, something out of his comfort zone, something that he always wondered if it was right for him. If we gain we get to buy a home and be able to give what we want to our kids a little more. We are just lucky to have a place to go if this doesn't work out and that Wes has a few job opportunities for work when we return.

Yes when life gives you lemons make lemonade. This is what I am trying to do. Being a mom really gives me that drive to be better. Without this gift and a handsome, patient, loving husband I think I could let myself get depressed and think poor me. Yet, even I think well thousands of people have it worse then me and then revert back to my life is beautiful. If I am not happy now with so much even though I only have my needs met...then I'll never be happy. SO yet again I choose to be happy and see the positive.

Today I am just happy I am a mom. A gift others struggle with while we struggle with something else. Suffering is universal and everyone has a trial or trials along the way. Somehow everything works out. I am just glad I am not on this journey alone. I have a beautiful family who keeps the sunshine flowing in.

The End.

Enjoy the journey

To often we want time to pass and don't stop to enjoy the present. Or often we are looking to the future when we will have more money, be married, have kids, have a home, or whatever we dream about and don't have right now. So many of us take for granted the moment and never sit still enough to capture that memory so deep that we will never forget it.

I have to many moments I want to stop time for a little longer, a few weeks, days, or months. I hate having my little man grow up so fast. I sometimes hate growing older due to the fact time is ticking away and sooner or later I will be kid-less, old & gray. I want more time to enjoy the moments I get with friends, family and my darling husband.

Eastin is in such a fun stage right now. He throws intense fits and wants so badly to tell me what he wants but can't. He is so stubborn with walking. He will walk for friends and my parents but not for me and I love that about him. He wants things right now and will scream to get my attention. He wants to move all over the house and never stop. He loves exploring the body such as the belly button, eyes lashes, ears holes, nostrils, mouths and teeth. He loves stairs, cords, forbidden rooms, new places, new faces, and music. He loves to dance, roll around, and crawl through things. He loves playing under blankets as if they are magical. He loves to cuddle, massage me, play with my hair and touch my eye lashes. He is giving people high fives, waving, clapping his hands, and pointing at things.  He is notices who people are… today he pointed at a picture of Westin and said "da da." He loves to turn the pages in books. He wants to touch computers, phones, anything electronic. He loves to smile with his face all scrunched up. He thinks its funny to throw his food and spit. All these moments I couldn't enjoy and observe if I didn't try to stay in the present.

I love every minute I've had with my husband. I remember the first time I met him. I was crazy about him. It was definitely love at first site. First night I met him he got my number & called me the next day to take me out. We've been inseparable ever sense. I remember our first kiss, the day I said I love you, hockey games, our engagement, wedding day, honeymoon, the day I told him we were going to be parents, trips together, adventure, nights we talked for hours, anniversaries, the night before we had our son, the day Eastin was born, bringing him home for the first time, days apart and much more.

I have enjoyed a lot of my life in my 20's. I may have wanted to grow up to fast in my teens which I still regret…I had tons of fun and have great memories but I took a lot of those years for granted. My childhood was a dream come true. Now my 20's are the best, mainly because I learned to cherish the moment and enjoy the journey. I overcame an addiction I didn't realize I had. I made amazing friends I will have for life. I enjoyed the dating, getting married and having a child or children. So much has happened over the past 7 years that I love and have no regrets for. Talking to friends I hear I want to get married or I wish I had kids, or I wish this or that but WHY WISH for so much and not appreciate what you do have at this time period. No amount of money is going to change your happiness if you are not happy now. No guy will make you happy if you are not happy now. Kids take up all your time and are exhausting but worth it. I cherish every moment I had before kids and laugh at how much I wish I could have a day to myself and have a hard time getting 10 minutes to myself to get ready or take a shower on some days.

Life is amazing and we all need to enjoy the journey more. I love talking to friend who are going through pregnancy and are shocked at how hard it actually is. New mom's who realize they get sad sometimes because they don't get enough adult interaction and feel depressed when there husbands come home and don't want to talk due to exhausting or a bad days. Life is full of ups and downs and its beautiful.

TODAY and Everyday I am just enjoying this journey. LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL… but catch me on a good day and good moment bc any second I could change my mind but the next day I will be back to thinking how lucky I am again.

XOXO

I am cherished and loved

I am so lucky

Is there anyone out there like myself who is there own worse critic at times. Whose total happiness reverts completely back to them. Our words are exactly what guide our days and our emotions. I don't know if everyone feels they are in control of there happiness but I am. My words control how I feel from moment to moment.

I have a huge problem with disappointment and not living up to expectations of myself. I want to be a great mom, not perfect but amazing and I really want to be an outstanding wife. I put a lot of pressure on myself at times, (like I am sure millions of people do each day,) but at times this can be toxic on my relationships. Especially when your pregnant and your hormones get the best of you sometimes. There are seriously times when I will be eating breakfast and I feel about 4 emotions in about 15 minutes. I don't react to them most of the time, but they are strong and I just have to breath through them. I can cry in a second, be angry in another and exhausted the next, and happy in another minute. With this my words can effect how these emotions can be take.

This day I lived in a beautiful moment. 

This week I've been incredibly lonely and with this I've decided to tell myself I am unlovable, un-worthy, and worthless. RIGHT lonely feelings lead to toxic results sometimes which is completely false and irrational thinking. These words have left me crying yes crying on the phone to my husband until 1:30 AM, telling him he deserves so much better then me. Going into every mistake I've made, spilling all my regrets for getting upset at him or saying this to him when I should kept my mouth shut etc. Like I am supposed to be perfect right. NO ONE EVER SAID YOU HAVE TO BE PERFECT and that YOU WON'T get annoyed, upset or angry at your husband.

This leads to him trying to do reverse physiology on me...telling me everyone says things they don't mean, everyone has to learn to bite there tongue, people get in disagreements sometimes, you do deserve me, I love you etc. SO CRAZY right. It's so childish and yet LONELY lead to complete irrational thoughts and words that lead to unnecessary unhappiness. I know some of you are laughing because I know you've done the same thing right? SO WHY!

NEVER AGAIN…SO dumb and unnecessary drama for my poor husband and myself.

My affirmations to myself this week is this:

I am worthy of love, I am adored and admired by my husband, he works so hard and sacrifices so much for our family because he loves us so much, I am admired by friends and family, I am cherished for my work as a mom by those around me, I am admired for who I am and what I do each day, life is simple but beautiful, and I am grateful for each and everyday. I AM HAPPY and today I choose to be happy and not let these hormones get the best of me.

RIGHT feels so much better then negative words and really in all honestly its the truth.

WHY DO WE TELL OURSELVES LIES?

I honestly have been really good at affirmations. I have learned to completely love and adore myself especially after an eating disorder. I don't ever tell myself I am fat ever…well maybe 3 times a year which is way good. I really do love who I am most of the time. I know words are toxic and it was the biggest life changer for me when it came to healing and overcoming an addiction. I use to have bad habits and huge problems but I changed this so why did I get here again.

This all comes back to habits are something we have to pay attention to even when we overcome them. They can come back and bit us in the butt again when we least expect them do. I have to work on positive affirmations again for a while to get me back on track.

Life is beautiful even when your pregnant and at times crazy. Crazy thought process of mine again but I had to get it out on paper.


I am loved and adored my him




When you think your husband doesn't love you… I would say 98% of the time you are completely making it up and causing unnecessary problems. HARD LESSON learned. No more drama from this girl and grief no one needs.

TRUE STORY…the end.

LIFE REALLY IS SIMPLE

LIFE IS TO BE ADMIRED

 CHERISHED 
ADORED

LIFE IS NEVER TO HAVE REGRETS

TO LIVE IN THE MOMENT

BREATH THROUGH BOTH UPS & DOWNS

TO LEARN FORM MISTAKES

MOVE ON

CHANGE

CREATE AND UPLIFT
TO BE YOU

LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL

A summer I will never forget

We are heading to Massachusetts soon and I am getting pretty excited. Westin is driving right now and I will be flying out there shortly. Traveling with little Eastin in that 30 hr.+ treck wasn't going to happen along with being pregnant too. I can't wait to show Westin  all my old memories of where I went to school, the houses I lived in and all my favorite things about this great state. It's a place where I grew the most and am so grateful my family moved there when I was 12 years old. How exciting it is to go back after 7 years. This place has always been home for me in a lot of ways and a place I take great pride in. I had lot of ups and downs here but learned what I am capable of. I am excited to see old friends that still live in the area and to reconnect and re-live so many memories. I shed lots of teenage tears here but a lot of great laughs.

Here are few things that are my absolute favorites:

I love the minute man bike path from Somerville  to Concord. I biked this several times a summer until I can remember. We would always stop in Lexington and get ice cream and go to a cheese factory in Concord where I would try 30 year old cheese that tasted so delicious.

I love taking the subway to any of Boston's finest areas. Finway park, Newbery street, south station, the north end, hatch shell, and much more. There are so many places I love in Boston especially Boston Commons and other parks. I can walk around this cities for hours and hours and never get board.

The Hatch Shell and all it's free concerts, movies in the park, and firework show on the 4th of July. This place is magical and I am so glad I went whenever I got a chance. Just to have another 4th of July here is already a dream come true.

Harvard Square not only did I enjoy working several jobs in this location but my father worked in this area and the great Harvard campus is so fun to walk around in.

The Science Museum, Museum of Fine Arts, Aquarium, Children's Museum and much more. It's a great city to have kids raised in because there is so much enjoyment, education, and history here.

I really enjoy some (not all) of the freedom trail (it is long but awesome) and the old churches and buildings that made up parts of our American History.

Cape Cod: I have so many fun memories of any and every beach I've been to. I love all the old towns and antique shops, the delicious sea food, and dear friends I spent so much time with.

Salem, MA with its witch trials, decor, and history. It's a good kind of spooky and such a lovely town.

Plymouth, MA... where the heritage of the pilgrims is told and relived.

Fenway Park one of the oldest baseball parks and where the famous Red Sox play of course. I enjoyed countless games here even if I had to stand due to the fact I got in for $7 because my father's deals.

Drive to Providence, RI a great city with its fire walk, great shopping mall, and a beautiful city only an hour away.

Newport, RI with its giant mansions, beautiful beaches and board walk. I had many friends here and lots of fun memories one which include my brother getting poison ivy.

Belmont LDS Temple, a place of refuge for me, a place I went so many teenage nights when I was discouraged and felt alone



Belmont square: a place I worked, enjoyed walking around and eating or shopping at all the cute stores. I love how each town has a square full of restaurants, dining, and shopping.

Franklin MA, a place I attended high school and middle school for a time. I made so many good friends, memories, and had amazing and hard experience here.

Wachusetts ski resort. I really learned how to snowboard on this little mountain and have so many fun memories of my little brother and his friends

Walden Pond a place I went summer after summer on so many hot days and enjoyed swimming and a spot on the opposite side of the pond more secluded a place were my friends and I did some crazy fun things.

Gloucester had a beautiful beach I went to a lot with close friends. Lots of BBQ's, good music, and great company.

This only names a few of the millions of things I enjoy about this gorgeous place. BOSTON STRONG always and forever.