DEPRESSION is REAL

It took me a long time to make happiness a choice for me. I do think it's a choice for some people but NOT FOR EVERYONE. I use to not believe this non sense either and so I am going to write a little more about the depression that engulfed my mind and kept me away from this word HAPPINESS. PLEASE TRUST ME WHEN I SAY I still believe SOME PEOPLE WILL NEVER HAVE THIS CHOICE OR OPTION EITHER!!!!

I AM AN EXCEPTION

It doesn't make me better

I AM GRATEFUL

I am sad for those who are not THE EXCEPTION

I PRAY FOR YOU GUYS

I support you

I LOVE YOU

I have family members who need and will need depression medication there whole lives and who don't have this as an option. I am grateful it is my option but also grateful they have other options to help them function. It makes me sad to see people suffer from depression especially those who are bipolar and have other things they struggle with everyday. I never wanted to undermine anyone for these things. THEY ARE REAL and I know what it feels like to have suffered from depression and to BE IN A BLACK HOLE! I don't know what it feels like to fight that battle everyday but I see and hear people who do, who call me and it makes me want to curl up and cry. One of my best friends and best people in my life suffer from this and there isn't a day that goes by I wish it different for them. It effects there everyday life and I get to feel happy a lot of the time. LIFE ISN'T Fair for these people but I have hope it will be over in our next life. I know people don't believe in after death or GOD but this hope keeps me having hope for those who may not have hope themselves. If you don't have hope I guess I'll hold the hope you don't have for yourself. 

Going through depression was one of the hardest thing for me especially battling a addiction to full recovery. The depression/ hormone imbalances happened when I was 12 years old. It didn't help that I moved clear across the country at this time and was surrounded by mostly boys. I was 13 when I was put on my first anti depressants which made me gain weight and made me spiral into further depression and a deeper addiction. I needed therapy to be properly diagnosed with what I was going through. Going through puberty and body changes is hard enough but add on moving, growing up in a home where emotions were foreign to a masculine dominated household, and not being able to express myself at school or home would put someone into a deep depression. I moved away from friends who I could express myself to, to a new place where I could trust no one or felt comfortable enough to express myself. 

Going back to this time I see my angles in my life. I feel like whenever a dark cloud came and right when I wanted to let go, GOD sent me someone I could finally open up to and talk to. I don't know if this is true for anyone but it was true for me. I found hope through running, through friends much older then me, adults who inspired and believed in me. There was also the polar opposite too. I had people older than me except me when people my age spread rumors about me that I was a slut, slept around, and even called my parents to tell them I wasn't a virgin. WORD ON THE STREET... I married a virgin and any guy who dated me knew I was crazy strict about this. haha I even got egged once because I didn't let my standards go with a guy. It's NOT BAD to not be a virgin but for me it was something I valued more than GOLD (my own value system and not imposed on anyone else) and yet I had so many people believe I wasn't and even chose to try to ruin my life over it!! (this is only people in my church, my non church friends cared less)

YET I FOUGHT AND THEY DIDN'T WIN. 

This taught be something of great VALUE:

 "Forget what people say, as long as it's not true it shouldn't matter" 

Trust me words hurt, especially the truth but I learned to let go of the non truth because it hurt only me. PEOPLE NEED TO WATCH THERE WORDS.

I told myself this daily and finally it worked. When I felt like words were hurting me again the same people gave me the same advice again resurring this SCREW PEOPLE ATTITUDE. LOVE THE TRUTH and love the people who believe you. Let them believe what they want, GOD KNOWS YOUR HEART and who you are. Instead of falling away from a church that so many people in it judged me, I chose to lay my tears at the feet of my savior. To hold on to the one man who new exactly what I was going through. I found at this time the Savior is real and that he knew exactly what I needed... ANGELS.

 I was blessed to always have good friends who brought me up. I call myself lucky when many people who are suffering from depression do not have this. I am an exception not the rule. 

At age 15 I stopped my anti depressants cold turkey because they were making me gain weight. At this time my brain made a light switched or I should say a DARK SWITCH. I cried almost everyday. One second I was happy and anther second I was crazy, and another I was mellow, but mostly I was hyper and not in any form of control. I even attempted suicide which is something I don't think I would normally have done. No one knew anything about this time in my life because at the time I didn't recognize it was a drug that made me so crazy or an addiction that was keeping me from breathing.

I went back on them at 16 and went off them again at 16, which did the same affect. Some people are to young to handle such powerful drugs. I don't blame my doctor for not knowing better he is a good man. I think knowledge and time makes the whole world a better place. Being gluten free gets easier every year with more and more things to eat, just as studies on depression and medication gets better. I DO ALSO STRUGGLE WITH THE I HATE DRUG COMPANIES THING... but some people do need them to survive this world. If this would have happened now I think I would have gotten the proper care but who knows. I haven't done any studies about it. My doctor would have weened me off of it properly and he did warn me but I didn't listen because yet again I was to young to handle a power drug. 

It wasn't until I read my friend KIRA'S BLOG that opened a whole part of my story I've never been able to tell before. Depression is real and those who are bipolar or have other things that keep you away from HAPPINESS, it's real and I feel for you. I love you and I want you to know a part of my story so you know that maybe there is hope and maybe there is not. Maybe drugs are the only option and maybe  not. I will never judge you. I just hope you keep fighting to find something better because we all deserve the world.

YES YOU DESERVE THE WORLD. 

YOU DESERVE LOVE. 

YOU DESERVE TO BE HEARD. 

YOU DESERVE SUPPORT. 

YOU DESERVE HELP. 

YOU DESERVE TO NOT LIVE EVERYDAY IN A BLACK HOLE. 

YOU DESERVE WARMTH. 

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL

I celebrate those who are depressed and choose to fight today! 

WHO CHOOSE TO FIGHT even when it's all they have left.

YOU ARE WONDERFUL even if you LIVE WITH DEPRESSION every day of your life.

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.

This world needs to be more accepting of emotions, to people who are different, to people who struggle. My blog is only something to inspire and maybe give hope to people on Dark Days!!! 

I am happy for the place I am and to give any ounce of hope where I CAN. I am here to help people find happiness if I can. 

I CHOOSE TO CREATE A LIFE I LOVE...

The cure that got me better. I have bad days and I have good days. ITS NORMAL and I am not going to beat myself up anymore for having bad days, for having a good cry, for falling apart one day. ITS NORMAL and its life. ALL IS BEAUTIFUL. EMOTIONS ARE BEAUTIFUL. It's in trials and darkness we discover ourselves a little deeper and grow even stronger. I look back today and have no regret and appreciate the hard dark times because its made me a FIGHTER!